Since I got married and started posting wedding photos, I’ve gotten more inquiries than ever on Deven & my relationship / love in general. I am NOT an expert in this! But through relationships that DIDN’T work and a ton of therapy figuring out what went wrong, I do feel like I have learned a lot and want to share what I’ve learned with you guys in hopes that it helps just one of you move closer towards the kind of happiness I have found with Deven. Here goes!
- Be honest with yourself (about your short comings AND how you feel about someone). You can’t find true love if you’re stuck with the wrong person.
Especially when we’re busy adults, it gets easier than ever to pretend like everything’s good in a relationship that isn’t. Maybe it’s long distance and that makes it even easier to avoid conflicts or continue the same behavior every time you’re together. If you’re pretending, it’ll never be real. Be honest with yourself first. Then maybe a friend or other confidant. Then your S.O.
- Work on yourself. If you are wanting real love but haven’t found it yet, one thing you CAN be doing is getting yourself ready for “the one.” Work on being the best version of YOU and that will attract the right person. GO TO THERAPY. Especially if you have been in a toxic relationship before. Therapy isn’t just about trauma. It’s also about breaking bad habits and seeing the bigger picture of what you want and who you are.
Story time, a couple years before I met Deven, I had a horrible break up, moved Dallas, and started fresh. I knew I was no where ready for the love of my life to walk into the picture. In fact, I KNEW if I met someone great, I wasn’t ready to be with them. I needed to work on myself first because I had been in two pretty volatile relationship and I COULDN’T just keep repeating that cycle. I needed to figure what had happened, move on from it, improve myself, and know where I could do better next time because I wasn’t going to let another amazing relationship fall apart because I hadn’t done the work yet.
And if you’re IN a relationship and feel like you’re stuck in bad habits, it not too late yet. Go to therapy. Find someone who specializes in marriage/relationships. I was SO POOR when I was going to therapy in Dallas but I spent the money on that and looking back, it’s the WHOLE reason Deven and I were able to succeed as a couple. If I hadn’t done that work on myself, we 1000% would have failed and almost did anyway. I’m not saying I am perfect, but I now know where my trigger points lie and I am able to self correct, communicate better, but most importantly, give my partner space to feel comfortable opening up too.
I used to get SO mad that my ex hadn’t told me how he was feeling. But my therapist helped me to see that a) he had!! I just wasn’t listening, b) my dramatic reactions to things made it hard for him to open up… We have to give the other person ROOM to express themselves safely, and c) not all cues are verbal. He hadn’t been calling, that mean’t he didn’t want to talk to me! DUH. Haarrssshhh but TRUE right? I needed to hear it.
Anyhoo – get yourself together. Then when the right person DOES walk into your life, you’ll know you’re ready for them.
- Manage your expectation of the other person. They are HUMAN too. They WILL come with flaws, just like YOU do.
I think many young women have this very lofty idea of what “the one” should act and be like. AKA: Prince Charming should stroll across the room towards you in candlelight and look perfect, say perfect things, and never make a single mistake ever! I think we are MUCH too quick culturally to say “BOY BYE.” Your significant other WILL be human, just like you. You will make mistakes in your relationship (assuming you’re being authentic & honest) and SO. WILL. THEY. When the time comes that they DO fuck up, ask yourself what was behind it. Is it past trauma speaking? Was it a simple mistake? Or does it reveal something deeper that actually does threaten the relationship? It’s important to make that distinction.
Deven has a fiery personality. Y’all have probably NEVER seen it. But he does. It’s one of the things I love most about him. It keeps a spark between us. It’s his eyes lighting up when he has a project idea he’s SO excited about. But it also can cause him to be quick tempered and lash out when he’s hurt or mad at me. The first six months together was a learning process on this…. He stormed out of my apartment more than once. I could have written it off as “he has a temper” or “he’s giving up on us” or “what a drama queen.” But I looked deeper and realized, it was his fire that I loved that was causing his reactions. We talked about it a LOT. I made it clear, it wasn’t cool to storm out on me. It wasn’t cool to FREAK OUT. That we are adults and needed to sit down and discuss a problem as it arises. That’s what we do now, 9 times out of 10. I am a better person for figuring that out with him, for sticking it out, and working on it. He did the same for me on about 10 different other topics. But that’s a story for another day!
- GET OUT THERE! You’ve gotta risk to get the reward. Keep an open mind. Try dating someone who’s not your usual “type.”
GET ON BUMBLE. GO OUT ON DATES. GO TO PLACES TO MEET PEOPLE. Just like the above about thinking price charming is gonna just randomly walk into your life? You cannot sit on your couch all day and expect to meet someone. My best friend recently challenged herself (and her girlfriends did it with her!) to go on one date a week. She shortly after met the BEST GUY and they have been together for months now. Again, you gotta RISK to get the REWARD! At the end of the day, it’s a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more likely you are to meet your person.
- On that same topic, you have to emotionally go “all in” or it is never going to work.
Part of how I failed in a previous relationship was, I always kept one foot in one foot out. Or at least that’s how I behaved. He could feel that. And it hurt him. It is honestly SO immature to pretend you don’t like someone as much as you really do. And in the end, you hurt yourself AND your partner in the process. To really be loved wholly, you have to love wholly.
Oh, and I LOVE YOU GUYS WHOLLY, WILL YOU BE MY GALENTINES?! K THANKS!!!!! But really, thanks for following along. I hope these tips help even just one of you to be a better lover and fight for love. It’s worth it.